Category: Growth Mindset

How to Expand Your Comfort Zone: Stretch or Leap?

“Improvement begins at the edge of your comfort zone.”

-Jacob Aagard

I’m a shy college sophomore, wanting to take my first step in joining the LGBTQIA+ community on campus. One of the main groups, Queer Alliance, is hosting a BBQ event to celebrate National Coming Out Day. It sounds like a lot of fun except that I am completely unfamiliar with the community and know that I won’t know anyone there at all.

I nervously get ready in my dorm room. What will all these new people think of me? I walk towards the Sunset Canyon Recreation Center where the BBQ is taking place. What if I can’t think of anything to say? I stop at the gate to enter, looking over its metal bars. I feel a nervousness in my legs. The gate is open. Yet, it feels like an impossible threshold to cross. My feet seem frozen in place.

I take a seat on a bench nearby. I can overhear people in jovial conversation out of view on the other side. I sit there several minutes, wishing for someone, something, anything that could help me work up the nerves to walk through.

After some time, I give up. Walking back to my dorm room, I feel infinitely disappointed in myself, locked out of a world I so very much wanted to be a part of.

What went wrong?

I didn’t understand it at the time, but this was one of my early battles to expand my comfort zone. Back then, I thought I’d lost the battle and might never become a part of that community. Now with the wisdom of hindsight and many years on my side, I see it quite differently.

“Hey don’t write yourself off yet.
It’s only in your head to feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best. Try everything you can.
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away.

It just takes some time.
You’re in the middle of the ride.”

-Jimmy Eat World

What is a comfort zone?

“Simply, your comfort zone is a behavioral space where your activities and behaviors fit a routine and pattern that minimizes stress and risk.”

-Alan Henry and Rebecca Fishbein, “The Science of Breaking Out of Your Comfort Zone”

Are comfort zones good or bad?

You’ll get a very different answer, depending on who you ask. Some recommend that you leap out of your comfort zone at every opportunity.

“I’m 40 meters underwater. It’s getting cold and dark. It’s only the third dive in my life, but I’m taking the advanced training course, and the Caribbean teacher was a little reckless, dashing ahead, leaving me alone.

The next day I’m in a government office, answering an interview, raising my right hand, becoming a citizen of Dominica.

I’m alone on a bicycle in a forest in Sweden. I left from Stockholm 6 hours ago, headed south, with only 50 Krona, and I’m getting hungry. I don’t know the way back.”

-Derek Sivers

These are a few examples by Derek Sivers, who is very much an advocate of jumping out of comfort zones in his inspiring article, Push, Push, Push: Expanding Your Comfort Zone.

“The question is—what scares you now? What’s intimidating? What’s the great unknown?

I keep using that question to guide my next move.”

-Derek Sivers

It’s amazing that he’s reached a point where this mentality works so well for him. But some of his examples have a very ‘Do not try this at home’ feel to me.

The thing about Derek Sivers is that he’s made discomfort his comfort zone. Like any other skill, it takes consistent practice to get there.

Derek himself practiced with a more manageable extension of his comfort zone many years back, a move to a new city:

“I remember how scary New York City felt when I moved there in 1990, just 20 years old. Two years later it was “my” city—my comfort zone.”

-Derek Sivers

I think, like most things, comfort zones are inherently neutral: it depends how you’re choosing to use them that can make them beneficial or a limitation.

What’s the benefit of your comfort zone?

“It’s our place of reprieve, where we can conserve our energy and not have to figure anything out. People often don’t honor the comfort zones they’ve created; they think it’s wrong or bad to need one. It’s not! If you deny that you have a comfort zone or pretend that you don’t need one, you’ll be stressed all the time.”

-Rhonda Britten, “Expand Your Comfort Zone”

The problem lies in when we stop ourselves from growing in meaningful ways because we are limiting ourselves to activities only within our comfort zone.

In fact, comfort zones are a bit of a paradox. The more you stay within yours, the more risk of becoming stagnant or even shrinking it. Over time, there might be less and less you’re comfortable doing. The more you stretch out of it, the more it grows, and the more activities you’ll feel comfortable with. Discomfort is often the stage before growth, new opportunities, and eventually, an increased realm of comfort.

“I’m not interested in people getting rid of their comfort zones. In fact, you want to have the largest comfort zone possible — because the larger it is, the more masterful you feel in more areas of your life. When you have a large comfort zone, you can take risks that really shift you.”

-Rhonda Britten

The question is: What’s a way to approach expanding your comfort zone in a way that’s helpful to everyone, wherever they are on their comfort zone growth journey?

One of the most important words in the quote at the beginning of the article, ‘Improvement begins at the edge of your comfort zone’ is the word edge. The most accessible way to expand your comfort zone is to start at the edge of where you currently are and take small steps from there.

I used to be so hard on myself when I’d back out of something I really wanted to do because it was outside of my comfort zone. A look at the bigger picture shows that I had no need to be. Taking another look at the Queer Alliance BBQ, I can see now that almost going in was actually a step forward. I’d never gotten that close to going to an LGBTIQA+ event before.

My disappointment in myself was understandable but also based on a misunderstanding. I was treating the middle of the story (or really the beginning) as if it was the end.

Not too long from then, I did manage to successfully join another Queer Alliance event. I went on to very much become a part of that community. I made a number of great friendships and had a number of meaningful experiences from it. In a couple years, I even became the Editor-in-Chief of the LGBTIQA+ magazine on campus.

If only I could go back to sophomore year Vanessa, nervously sitting on that bench, thinking about everything on the line at that moment, and let them know that it’s going to be okay either way. Progress is about consistent effort—not any single specific instance.

To simply what I had to learn the hard way, I’ve organized my current thought process for stretching my own comfort zone into actionable steps. Here they are:

How to Stretch Your Comfort Zone

1. Start with your core values.

Your core values will tell you the areas that you most want to stretch your comfort zone.

For example, a few of my top core values are authenticity, creative expression, and empathy. This means that the most meaningful areas to stretch my comfort zone are in expressing myself more, creative endeavors, and connecting with others. Skydiving is outside of my comfort zone, but I also have no interest in it, so this wouldn’t be as a meaningful of an activity to me as something related to my values.

If you’re unsure of what your core values are, check out my How to Discover Your Core Values Exercise in my article, ‘Core Values: What Matters Most to You?‘.

2. Based on your core values, is there something you’ve always wanted to do?

Start by listing whatever comes to mind, even if it seems like quite a leap.

3. What would be the first small step?

When I wanted to become a part of the writing community, I started by joining one Shut Up & Write Zoom meeting. Joining a group of completely new people was definitely a step beyond my comfort zone, but trying out just one meeting online where most of the time is dedicated to writing itself made it feel more managable.

4. If this small step goes wrong, what happens?

I like to play worst case scenario. I take my real fears and image a completely over-the-top worst case scenario expression of them. This tends to make me laugh, and it helps me realize how unlikely some of my fears are. Even if something bad happens, how quickly will the negative result or feeling pass? I feel anxious when I fear embarrassing myself, but the reality is embarrassment is a fairly short-lived emotion.

Additionally, you can combine this with an over-the-top best case scenario and then see that, realistically, what’s most likely to happen is somewhere in the middle.

5. If something goes wrong, how could you limit a negative experience?

Since the first writing meeting I joined was over Zoom, I realized that, even if it turned out to be awfully awkward, I could simply close the Zoom window, and my problem would instantly disappear.

What could you do to limit a negative experience? Is this something you can simply leave if it proves to be too uncomfortable? Realistically, how long would the negative experience last?

6. What could you gain by this stretch of your comfort zone?

What next step will become more within your reach now that you’ve taken the first? Is taking this step towards something you’ve truly wanted worth risking a single passing negative experience?

7. What about your nerves?

“That’s always how it works. There’s like a moment of confidence and then a giant hesitation before.”

-Thomas Brag of Yes Theory

I don’t know how it is for others, but for me, when I’m truly stretching my comfort zone, my nerves speak up rather loudly―trying to convince me that I’m incapable of going through with it.

I recently discovered a YouTube channel called, Yes Theory, where every video is aimed at seeking discomfort in new ways to expand your comfort zone. Their approach is insightful:

“We’ve been doing this for long enough for me to know that the emotions that I’m currently experiencing are temporary and that overthinking it before I even get there is not worth it.”

-Thomas Brag

It’s true. The nervous feeling will pass while what there is to gain is far more lasting. Plus, the next time I try to do the same thing, I’ll likely be far less nervous.

If you’d like to see the challenges and beauty facing your nerves in action, check out the ending of the video below where Yes Theory encourages two people who are afraid of heights to take a doorless helicopter tour around NYC:

8. Build from each small step forward.

And yes, even a failed attempt can be a step forward if you get closer than you have before!

Here are some of my own current comfort zone expansion goals & ideas:

The stories I share in this post itself are a step outside my comfort zone. It’s new for me to share personal stories so openly.
Posting on this blog very frequently (every 1-3 days), gradually opening up more about relevant personal stories and unorthodox ideas.
Get more comfortable with starting a conversation with a stranger.
Start sharing my very rough draft work-in-progress fiction more freely.
Email some of the writers I admire and ask a few questions about their work and what got them where they are now.

“Who might we be if we didn’t care about blushing? What could we accomplish if we didn’t mind the spotlight? If we were tough enough to put on the tights? If we were willing not only to fail but to do so in front of others?”

-Ryan Holiday, “Life Happens in Public. Get Used to it.”

It’s one year later. It’s a sunny day over the open field of the Sunset Recreation Center. I’m standing in the middle of the annual Queer Alliance BBQ, chatting with a group of friends, completely within my comfort zone. Remembering my experience a year ago, I keep my eyes open for newcomers, so I can make sure to welcome and befriend them. And, hopefully, make this step beyond of their comfort zone a little easier.

Create Your Own Second Chances

Los Angeles – 2003. My teenage self is an expert level chess player, competing in one of my favorite annual tournaments, the U.S. Open Chess Championship. This particular tournament is special because it’s the first one where I start to gain the confidence and ability to defeat master level players, which is the rank above expert.

Entering the final round, I have 6 wins out of 8 games, three of which were victories against masters. A win in the last round would net me the expert prize in the tournament (3 grand) and an invitation to the U.S. Closed Championship. But if I lose the game, I’ll go home empty-handed after 9 days of intense effort.

I’m paired against the reigning U.S. Women’s Champion, a strong master, but this tournament I’ve learned not to be intimidated by this caliber of player. I’m confident. The opening moves of the game go into what my coach and I expected, and I enter the middlegame with a very good position.

I can feel victory present all over the position, so many opportunities. In fact, I run low on time, trying to decide between different good moves and routes to victory. With less time to think, I make a minor error. The position is still winning for me, but one mistake leads to another. The position becomes complicated and unclear. The clock is ticking down. I try to find my way through, but gradually and then suddenly, I watch it all slip away. A winning position and what would’ve been the strongest tournament performance of my life at the time turns into quickly shuffling the pieces around, trying to salvage the game into me shaking my opponent’s hand in resignation.

My coach walks up to the board after the game is finished and shows me multiple ways I could’ve won. There is nothing quite like being that close and failing.

After this tournament, my confidence in my chess ability takes a dip. My newfound ability to defeat masters is shaken. It takes me quite a while to rediscover it.

I wish I understood back then that, as heartbreaking as that failure was, it was just the middle of the story. I’ve since learned that life is loaded with second chances. Success has a lot more to do with not giving up than it does with magically getting it right the first time.

Stephen King is one of the most prolific and successful writers of all time. Yet, here’s his initial attempts to get his writing published were loaded with years of rejection letters:

“When I got the rejection slip from AHMM, I pounded a nail into the wall, wrote “Happy Stamps” on the rejection slip, and poked it onto the nail.

By the time I was fourteen, the nail in my wall would no longer support the weight of the rejection slips impaled upon it. “

-Stephen King, On Writing

Yet, I love the simple way he describes his reaction in the face of failure:

“I replaced the nail with a spike and went on writing. “

-Stephen King, On Writing

He just kept writing. It’s so easy to misunderstand what a failure really means. When I lost that last round of the U.S. Open, I let it sink into my overall confidence in my abilities—when all it really meant was that I lost one game.

Stephen King could see what each rejection letter really meant: At that time, that one publication has not accepted that one story. One rejection letter has no bearing on the next publication he submits to or the next story he writes. Our failures are important to see realistically and learn from, but they do not define our future or our overall level of ability and potential.

It can be so easy to get lost in our own fears of rejection and failures. It’s so easy to second guess what you’re creating before it’s had a chance to reach its potential and find its audience.

It helps me to remind myself of fellow writers and others with great ideas and aspirations who grappled with many setbacks before seeing concrete progress:

After receiving 27 rejections for his first book, Theodor Geisel, better known as Dr. Seuss, was on the verge of giving up on writing completely. Serendipitously, he ran into a friend who had just become an editor for the children’s section of a publishing house. When he mentioned his plans to give up and destroy the book, the editor asked to take a look, leading to its publication. Today, Geisel’s books have sold over 600 million copies.

Steven Spielberg was rejected by USC’s Film School three times. Despite this major setback, he continued working at his craft, obtained an internship in the editing department at Universal Studios, and made a short film that led to his first directing contract.

Michael Jordan cites his willingness to risk failure as a key aspect of his success:

“I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

-Michael Jordan

Robert Pirsig‘s book, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, which went on to sell millions of copies, received 121 rejections before being accepted for publication.

The first book of the now best-selling series, Chicken Soup for the Soul, by Jack Canfield received 144 rejections. He believed in his book and kept searching until he found a yes:

“If we had given up after 100 publishers, I likely would not be where I am now. I encourage you to reject rejection. If someone says no, just say NEXT!”

-Jack Canfield

Jack London, one of the first widely successful American authors, received over six hundred rejection slips before he sold his first story.

Thomas Edison famously tried 1000 ideas before successfully inventing the light bulb. Yet, he maintained his motivation by reframing how he viewed these attempts:

Reporter: “How did it feel to fail 1000 times?”

Thomas Edison: “I didn’t fail 1000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1000 steps.”

Finally, I find Peter Dinklage’s story of failure to success in his 2012 commencement speech particular inspiring:

What I love about these stories is how so many of these individuals created their own second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. chances by continuing to improve at their craft, test out new ideas, and/or get their work out to new audiences―no matter what.

“The world might say you are not allowed to yet. I waited a long time out in the world before I gave myself permission to fail. Don’t bother asking, don’t bother telling the world you are ready. Show it.”

-Peter Dinklage

In 2010, I find myself with a renewed energy and confidence to attempt to reach master level in chess. I also experience a bit of luck: the U.S. Open Chess Championship, which is played in different cities across the country each year, returns to Southern California.

As a college student at the time, I only prepare for the tournament for a few weeks beforehand. But it’s enough to refresh my decade of chess knowledge, combined with a stronger level of confidence and life experience.

Mid-tournament, it’s like my chess abilities are on fire. I can see clearly the usually hidden weaknesses in the play of strong masters. Again, I reach the last round with 6 points of 8 with ― 3 victories against masters. I’m in contention for the same 3 grand expert prize, and I’m paired against another strong master.

It’s a new version of the same event. Again, I’ve been playing at an unusually high level for myself. There is one last high caliber player that stands in my way. Only now I have the chance to change the ending.

That final round is a chaotic battle of minds. Each time I try to get the upper hand, my opponent counters. Each time he tries to get the upper hand, I find a resource to keep the position unclear. But there is a focus I have. My mind is not focused on the result, but the game itself, willing to put in whatever it takes.

My opponent makes a significant mistake. This is my chance: a few more critical moves with everything is on the line. I calculate ahead carefully. With one subtle move, the position turns in my favor. This time, I don’t give my opponent any chance to get back into the game.

As he resigns, my opponent remarks: “You deserved the win. You wanted it more.”

With my confidence in my abilities restored, I go on to earn the master title myself within a few more tournaments.

“Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

-Samuel Beckett

Have you ever created your own second chance? Are you in the process of creating one? Feel free to share your own experiences in the comments below.

Practice, Not Performance

“On the first day of class, Jerry Uelsmann, a professor at the University of Florida, divided his film photography students into two groups.

Everyone on the left side of the classroom, he explained, would be in the “quantity” group. They would be graded solely on the amount of work they produced. On the final day of class, he would tally the number of photos submitted by each student. One hundred photos would rate an A, ninety photos a B, eighty photos a C, and so on.

Meanwhile, everyone on the right side of the room would be in the “quality” group. They would be graded only on the excellence of their work. They would only need to produce one photo during the semester, but to get an A, it had to be a nearly perfect image.

At the end of the term, he was surprised to find that all the best photos were produced by the quantity group. During the semester, these students were busy taking photos, experimenting with composition and lighting, testing out various methods in the darkroom, and learning from their mistakes. In the process of creating hundreds of photos, they honed their skills.

Meanwhile, the quality group sat around speculating about perfection. In the end, they had little to show for their efforts other than unverified theories and one mediocre photo. “

-James Clear, Atomic Habits

This anecdote perfectly encapsulates what I like to call the practice vs. performance mentalities.

A practice mentality is one that consistently explores creative new ideas and learns from each experience. A performance mentality is focused on the appearance of skill.

The quantity group focused solely on practicing their craft and benefited greatly from it. On the other hand, the quality group focused on performing at a certain level and ended up improving very little.

I’ve learned that when I can implement a practice mentality in my life, every experience is enriching. In time, I can create and achieve beyond what I expected. When I get caught in a performance mentality, I find myself distracted by the focus on appearances and limited in what I can achieve.

With a practice mentality, every experience is meaningful. Setbacks and successes are both creative explorations, loaded with opportunities to grow. With a performance mentality, setbacks are disheartening, and even successes are less fulfilling.

These two differing approaches can stem from opposing views on the nature of ability: a growth mindset vs. a static mindset.

A growth mindset believes that ability can be improved through effort and practice. A static mindset believes ability is more static and largely due to natural talent.

A growth mindset facilitates a practice mentality while a static mindset can lead to a performance mentality. When ability is viewed as static, the focus isn’t on improving but on proving that ability exists.

I find a static mindset to be very limiting. There are setbacks in every endeavor, no matter how talented a person is. A growth mindset has the tools to work through these setbacks and be stronger from them while a static mindset tends to lead to the desire to give up.

In addition, research on the brain supports a growth mindset as a more accurate representation of the brain—due to neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to form and reorganize synaptic connections—essentially, it’s the brain’s ability to develop and change as we learn.

More and more, neuroscientists are discovering the brain is far more neuroplastic than initially thought. We aren’t limited by our brain’s current physical form. In fact, our brains change physically based on learning and practice.

For me, the point of this blog is to apply a practice mentality to my writing and the process of sharing it. I hope to become a better writer and understand readers more by exploring ideas and trying out different writing styles and building from each experience.

With each piece I write, I’m likely to see how it could’ve been a bit better and hopefully I’ll be able to bring that forward into the next one. With each idea I explore, I’ll likely see areas where I have more to learn.

I get nervous as I write these posts in ways that I don’t when I work on my novel. My novel is in the first draft stage. I know I’ll likely make plenty more edits because I have to worry about another soul considering what I’ve written. With these posts, I can feel the eyes that are going to be reading these words in hours or even minutes.

When I really think about it, I feel a tension in my wrists, my fingers getting a little shaky at the keyboard, and my mind getting a little blurry in nervousness. Odd as it sounds, that’s the point. This is me at the edges of my comfort zone as a writer, learning to push through–so that when it comes time to share my novel and all the other pieces of writing I’m hoping to create in the future, I’ll be ready.