How to Expand Your Comfort Zone: Stretch or Leap?
“Improvement begins at the edge of your comfort zone.”
I’m a shy college sophomore, wanting to take my first step in joining the LGBTQIA+ community on campus. One of the main groups, Queer Alliance, is hosting a BBQ event to celebrate National Coming Out Day. It sounds like a lot of fun except that I am completely unfamiliar with the community and know that I won’t know anyone there at all.
I nervously get ready in my dorm room. What will all these new people think of me? I walk towards the Sunset Canyon Recreation Center where the BBQ is taking place. What if I can’t think of anything to say? I stop at the gate to enter, looking over its metal bars. I feel a nervousness in my legs. The gate is open. Yet, it feels like an impossible threshold to cross. My feet seem frozen in place.
I take a seat on a bench nearby. I can overhear people in jovial conversation out of view on the other side. I sit there several minutes, wishing for someone, something, anything that could help me work up the nerves to walk through.
After some time, I give up. Walking back to my dorm room, I feel infinitely disappointed in myself, locked out of a world I so very much wanted to be a part of.
What went wrong?
I didn’t understand it at the time, but this was one of my early battles to expand my comfort zone. Back then, I thought I’d lost the battle and might never become a part of that community. Now with the wisdom of hindsight and many years on my side, I see it quite differently.
“Hey don’t write yourself off yet.
It’s only in your head to feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best. Try everything you can.
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves when you’re away.
It just takes some time.
You’re in the middle of the ride.”
What is a comfort zone?
“Simply, your comfort zone is a behavioral space where your activities and behaviors fit a routine and pattern that minimizes stress and risk.”
Are comfort zones good or bad?
You’ll get a very different answer, depending on who you ask. Some recommend that you leap out of your comfort zone at every opportunity.
“I’m 40 meters underwater. It’s getting cold and dark. It’s only the third dive in my life, but I’m taking the advanced training course, and the Caribbean teacher was a little reckless, dashing ahead, leaving me alone.
The next day I’m in a government office, answering an interview, raising my right hand, becoming a citizen of Dominica.
I’m alone on a bicycle in a forest in Sweden. I left from Stockholm 6 hours ago, headed south, with only 50 Krona, and I’m getting hungry. I don’t know the way back.”
These are a few examples by Derek Sivers, who is very much an advocate of jumping out of comfort zones in his inspiring article, Push, Push, Push: Expanding Your Comfort Zone.
“The question is—what scares you now? What’s intimidating? What’s the great unknown?
I keep using that question to guide my next move.”
It’s amazing that he’s reached a point where this mentality works so well for him. But some of his examples have a very ‘Do not try this at home’ feel to me.
The thing about Derek Sivers is that he’s made discomfort his comfort zone. Like any other skill, it takes consistent practice to get there.
Derek himself practiced with a more manageable extension of his comfort zone many years back, a move to a new city:
“I remember how scary New York City felt when I moved there in 1990, just 20 years old. Two years later it was “my” city—my comfort zone.”
I think, like most things, comfort zones are inherently neutral: it depends how you’re choosing to use them that can make them beneficial or a limitation.
What’s the benefit of your comfort zone?
“It’s our place of reprieve, where we can conserve our energy and not have to figure anything out. People often don’t honor the comfort zones they’ve created; they think it’s wrong or bad to need one. It’s not! If you deny that you have a comfort zone or pretend that you don’t need one, you’ll be stressed all the time.”
The problem lies in when we stop ourselves from growing in meaningful ways because we are limiting ourselves to activities only within our comfort zone.
In fact, comfort zones are a bit of a paradox. The more you stay within yours, the more risk of becoming stagnant or even shrinking it. Over time, there might be less and less you’re comfortable doing. The more you stretch out of it, the more it grows, and the more activities you’ll feel comfortable with. Discomfort is often the stage before growth, new opportunities, and eventually, an increased realm of comfort.
“I’m not interested in people getting rid of their comfort zones. In fact, you want to have the largest comfort zone possible — because the larger it is, the more masterful you feel in more areas of your life. When you have a large comfort zone, you can take risks that really shift you.”
The question is: What’s a way to approach expanding your comfort zone in a way that’s helpful to everyone, wherever they are on their comfort zone growth journey?
One of the most important words in the quote at the beginning of the article, ‘Improvement begins at the edge of your comfort zone’ is the word edge. The most accessible way to expand your comfort zone is to start at the edge of where you currently are and take small steps from there.
I used to be so hard on myself when I’d back out of something I really wanted to do because it was outside of my comfort zone. A look at the bigger picture shows that I had no need to be. Taking another look at the Queer Alliance BBQ, I can see now that almost going in was actually a step forward. I’d never gotten that close to going to an LGBTIQA+ event before.
My disappointment in myself was understandable but also based on a misunderstanding. I was treating the middle of the story (or really the beginning) as if it was the end.
Not too long from then, I did manage to successfully join another Queer Alliance event. I went on to very much become a part of that community. I made a number of great friendships and had a number of meaningful experiences from it. In a couple years, I even became the Editor-in-Chief of the LGBTIQA+ magazine on campus.
If only I could go back to sophomore year Vanessa, nervously sitting on that bench, thinking about everything on the line at that moment, and let them know that it’s going to be okay either way. Progress is about consistent effort—not any single specific instance.
To simply what I had to learn the hard way, I’ve organized my current thought process for stretching my own comfort zone into actionable steps. Here they are:
How to Stretch Your Comfort Zone
1. Start with your core values.
Your core values will tell you the areas that you most want to stretch your comfort zone.
For example, a few of my top core values are authenticity, creative expression, and empathy. This means that the most meaningful areas to stretch my comfort zone are in expressing myself more, creative endeavors, and connecting with others. Skydiving is outside of my comfort zone, but I also have no interest in it, so this wouldn’t be as a meaningful of an activity to me as something related to my values.
If you’re unsure of what your core values are, check out my How to Discover Your Core Values Exercise in my article, ‘Core Values: What Matters Most to You?‘.
2. Based on your core values, is there something you’ve always wanted to do?
Start by listing whatever comes to mind, even if it seems like quite a leap.
3. What would be the first small step?
When I wanted to become a part of the writing community, I started by joining one Shut Up & Write Zoom meeting. Joining a group of completely new people was definitely a step beyond my comfort zone, but trying out just one meeting online where most of the time is dedicated to writing itself made it feel more managable.
4. If this small step goes wrong, what happens?
I like to play worst case scenario. I take my real fears and image a completely over-the-top worst case scenario expression of them. This tends to make me laugh, and it helps me realize how unlikely some of my fears are. Even if something bad happens, how quickly will the negative result or feeling pass? I feel anxious when I fear embarrassing myself, but the reality is embarrassment is a fairly short-lived emotion.
Additionally, you can combine this with an over-the-top best case scenario and then see that, realistically, what’s most likely to happen is somewhere in the middle.
5. If something goes wrong, how could you limit a negative experience?
Since the first writing meeting I joined was over Zoom, I realized that, even if it turned out to be awfully awkward, I could simply close the Zoom window, and my problem would instantly disappear.
What could you do to limit a negative experience? Is this something you can simply leave if it proves to be too uncomfortable? Realistically, how long would the negative experience last?
6. What could you gain by this stretch of your comfort zone?
What next step will become more within your reach now that you’ve taken the first? Is taking this step towards something you’ve truly wanted worth risking a single passing negative experience?
7. What about your nerves?
“That’s always how it works. There’s like a moment of confidence and then a giant hesitation before.”
I don’t know how it is for others, but for me, when I’m truly stretching my comfort zone, my nerves speak up rather loudly―trying to convince me that I’m incapable of going through with it.
I recently discovered a YouTube channel called, Yes Theory, where every video is aimed at seeking discomfort in new ways to expand your comfort zone. Their approach is insightful:
“We’ve been doing this for long enough for me to know that the emotions that I’m currently experiencing are temporary and that overthinking it before I even get there is not worth it.”
It’s true. The nervous feeling will pass while what there is to gain is far more lasting. Plus, the next time I try to do the same thing, I’ll likely be far less nervous.
If you’d like to see the challenges and beauty facing your nerves in action, check out the ending of the video below where Yes Theory encourages two people who are afraid of heights to take a doorless helicopter tour around NYC:
8. Build from each small step forward.
And yes, even a failed attempt can be a step forward if you get closer than you have before!
Here are some of my own current comfort zone expansion goals & ideas:
- The stories I share in this post itself are a step outside my comfort zone. It’s new for me to share personal stories so openly.
- Posting on this blog very frequently (every 1-3 days), gradually opening up more about relevant personal stories and unorthodox ideas.
- Get more comfortable with starting a conversation with a stranger.
- Start sharing my very rough draft work-in-progress fiction more freely.
- Email some of the writers I admire and ask a few questions about their work and what got them where they are now.
“Who might we be if we didn’t care about blushing? What could we accomplish if we didn’t mind the spotlight? If we were tough enough to put on the tights? If we were willing not only to fail but to do so in front of others?”
It’s one year later. It’s a sunny day over the open field of the Sunset Recreation Center. I’m standing in the middle of the annual Queer Alliance BBQ, chatting with a group of friends, completely within my comfort zone. Remembering my experience a year ago, I keep my eyes open for newcomers, so I can make sure to welcome and befriend them. And, hopefully, make this step beyond of their comfort zone a little easier.
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